Indignant, the affluent man replied, “You can’t do this! I’m a politician!”

“In that case”, replied the robber, “give me my money!”

The cashier examined the envelope, then checked his records. “Last week we paid you a pound more. You didn’t complain then, did you?”

“Look”, said the employee, “An occasional mistake I can overlook – but two in a row is too much!”

The MP pleads that he’s a good bloke who’s done lots of good work.

“Oh yeah? Like what, for example?” asks Saint Peter.

The MP says, “Why, just last week I gave £20 to Children In Need, £30 to Help The Aged and £50 to Comic Relief.”

Saintt Peter thinks for a while then says, “Wait here.”

He goes inside for a while, then comes back. “Sorry mate, I’ve had a word with God. He says, ‘Here’s your £100 back, now f**k off!’”

“Stop right there,” Socrates replied, raising his hand. “Let’s think this through. Before you tell me anything, I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Test of Three.”

“The Test of Three?”

“That is correct,” Socrates continued. “Before you talk to me about my student, let’s take a moment to test what you’re going to say. The first test is Truth. Are you absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?”

The man thought for a while, then shook his head. “No,” he replied, “actually I just heard about it from someone else.”

“All right,” said Socrates. “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not. Now let’s try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?”

“No, on the contrary—”

“So,” Socrates continued, “you want to tell me something bad about him even though you’re not certain it’s true?”

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, “You may still pass the test because there is a third test – the flter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be of any use to me?”

“No, not really.”

“Well,” concluded Socrates, “if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?”

The man was ashamed and said nothing more.

This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.

The Welshman replies, “I want to hear a thousand Welshmen singing ‘Land of my Fathers’.”

“Okay, you will have your request.” He turns to the Scotsman. “What about you?”

“I want to hear a thousand Scots pipers piping ‘Scotland the Brave’,” replies the Scot.

“You’ve got it,” says the Taliban leader. He turns to the Irishman. “What is your last request?”

“I want to see a thousand Irishmen doing the Riverdance,” says Paddy.

“It will be yours,” says the Taliban leader.

Finally he turns to the Englishman. “And your last request?”

“Please . . .” replies the Englishman, “. . . shoot me first.”

“Now, now,” smiled the barmaid, wagging her finger. “Do you want to get me into trouble?”

The boy replied, “Not at the moment, I just want my beer and fags.”

“Not necessarily,” replied the doctor. “How many times do you have sex?”

“About 5 times a year.”

“Well, there’s your answer then, you’re just a little rusty.”

20. “That’s weird…”

19. “It’s never done that before.”

18. “It worked yesterday.”

17. “How is that possible?”

16. “It must be a hardware problem.”

15. “What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?”

14. “There is something funky in your data.”

13. “I haven’t touched that module in weeks!”

12. “You must have the wrong version.”

11. “It’s just some unlucky coincidence.”

10. “I can’t test everything!”

9. “THIS can’t be the source of THAT.”

8. “It works, but it hasn’t been tested.”

7. “Somebody must have changed my code.”

6. “Did you check for a virus on your system?”

5. “Even though it doesn’t work, how does it feel?

4. “You can’t use that version on your system.”

3. “Why do you want to do it that way?”

2. “Where were you when the program blew up?”

And the Number One Reply by Programmers when their programs don’t work:

Guess………….

Guess………….

Come on, even you say it ……

That’s right…….

“It works on my machine”

“Good evening, Sir,” said the policeman. “We felt we had to stop you to congratulate you on your perfect driving skills.”

“Well, thank you, officer,” replied the driver, “I always drive very carefully, especially when I’ve had a bit to drink.”