A Roman centurion walks into a bar. “What can I get you?” asks the barman. “I’ll have a Martinum please.” “Don’t you mean a Martini?” “If I want a double I’ll ask for one.”
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Walks into a bar
Martini
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The Right House
Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn’t get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would...
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12 Year Old Scotch
A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch. The bartender thinks “this guy doesn’t know the difference,” so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch. The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender: “I said 12-year old scotch, you...
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Cockney Thinking
A Cockney Geezer decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Cockney Barmaid) takes his order, Lager, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite well. At the end of Jill’s shift he asks her if she wants...
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Three Little Words
A bloke meets a hooker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300, as long as you can say it in three words.” The bloke replies, “Hey, why not?” He pull his wallet out of his pocket,...
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‘Gator in the Bar
A bloke walks into a bar carrying an alligator. He says to the punters, “Here’s a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. The ‘gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks.” The crowd...
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Bar Food
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: Cheese Sandwich: £1.50 Chicken Sandwich: £2.50 Hand Job: £5.00
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Another Night on the Town
A pissed off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along. “What’ll ya have?” he asked. “Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied.
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The Toothpick
A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off. A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp...
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The Bar Bet
Seamus and Paddy were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a man on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. “I’ll bet you £10 he’ll jump,” said Seamus. “Bet you £10 he won’t,” said Paddy. Then, the man on the television...
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