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On New Year’s Eve, Steve was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. ‘What are you doing out here at four o’clock in the morning?’ asked the police officer. ‘I’m on my...
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Peter, at a New Year’s party, turns to his friend, Ken, and asks for a cigarette. ‘I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,’ Ken responds. ‘I’m in the process of quitting,’ replies Peter with a grin. ‘Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.’ ‘Phase one?’ wonders Ken....
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A tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the speciality of the house. When his dinner arrives, he asks the waiter what it is. “These, senor,” replied the waiter in broken English, “are the arms of the bull killed in the ring today.” The tourist swallowed hard but tasted the dish and...
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Gazza and Deano were talking one afternoon when Gazza tells Deano, “Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a holiday, innit. Only this year I’m gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Margate. I...
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