Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. “Give me your money,” he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, “You can’t do this! I’m a politician!” “In that case”, replied the robber, “give me my money!”
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Jokes
Politician’s Money
Underpaid
The employee stormed angrily into the pay office. “What’s the meaning of this? I just counted my pay and it’s a pound short!” The cashier examined the envelope, then checked his records. “Last week we paid you a pound more. You didn’t complain then, did you?” “Look”, said the employee, “An occasional mistake I...
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Politician at the Gates
A politician dies and goes to heaven. When he gets to the pearly gates, Saint Peter takes one look at him and says, “Sorry, no politicians allowed in heaven.” The MP pleads that he’s a good bloke who’s done lots of good work. “Oh yeah? Like what, for example?” asks Saint Peter. The MP...
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Philosopher Joke (or is it?)
Socrates was widely lauded in ancient Greece for his great wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon a friend, who ran up to him excitedly and said, “Socrates, guess what I just heard about one of your students?” “Stop right there,” Socrates replied, raising his hand. “Let’s think this through. Before you tell...
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Captured by the Taliban
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scot are captured by the Taliban. The Taliban leader says to them, “We’re going to shoot you infidels, but we are fair people and we will give you one last request. He turns to the Welshman: “What is your last request?” The Welshman replies, “I want...
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Naughty Boy
A young boy walked into a bar and asked for a bottle of beer and 20 fags. “Now, now,” smiled the barmaid, wagging her finger. “Do you want to get me into trouble?” The boy replied, “Not at the moment, I just want my beer and fags.”
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Ginger Kid
“Doctor, doctor, I’m so worried,” said the anxious man. “Both my wife and I have black hair, but our son’s just been born with red hair. Do you think something funny has been going on?” “Not necessarily,” replied the doctor. “How many times do you have sex?” “About 5 times a year.” “Well, there’s...
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Top 20 Programmer Excuses
When the code goes wrong: 20. “That’s weird…” 19. “It’s never done that before.” 18. “It worked yesterday.” 17. “How is that possible?” 16. “It must be a hardware problem.” 15. “What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?” 14. “There is something funky in your data.” 13. “I haven’t touched...
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Drive Safely
It was late at night and the police were out checking for erratic driving. They spotted a car travelling along the dual carriageway and decided to follow it. The car never exceeded the speed limit, gave all the correct signals as it left the main road and when they reached the town it pulled...
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Nuns v Dracula
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. “Quick, quick!” shouts Sister Marilyn. “What shall we do?”...
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