Paddy’s Fingers
Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.
He went to the emergency room in Cork ’s hospital.
The doctor looked at Paddy and said, ‘Lets be avin’ da fingers and I’ll see what oi can do’.
Paddy said, ‘Oi haven’t got da fingers.’
‘Whadda ya mean you haven’t got da fingers Lord Tunderin’ Jesus, it’s 2010! We’s got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn’t ya bring da fingers?
And Paddy said, ‘ How da fock was I ’spose to pick them up !!!
The Flame Thrower v The Fire Extinguisher
Imagine Big Dave had a really expensive slo-mo camera, a fire extinguisher and a flame thrower. What would Big Dave do? Something OTF, like this probably……….
Dancing Pigeons – Ritalin from Blink on Vimeo.
Choosing a Baby
An Manchester United fan, a Scouser and a Chinese man are in the hospital maternity ward. The doctors goes out to the fathers and he tells them that there has been a mix up with the babies.
He says, “Each of you go in and choose a baby that you think is yours, then come out and then we will review the situation.”
The Man U fan goes in first and comes out with a baby. The doctor immediately spots a fault.
He approaches the Man U fan and says, “Come on lad, you know that’s the Chinese baby” to which the Man U fan replies “I know, but there is a Scouse baby in there and I ain’t taking no chances!”
Confucius Say…….
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
War not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
The Obitury
A very popular Scotsman dies in Glasgow and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once so she goes to the newspaper and says “I’d like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband” The man at the desk says “OK, how much money dae ye have?”
The old woman replies “£5″ to which the man says “You wont get many words for that but write something and we’ll see if it’s ok” so the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads “Peter Reid, fae Parkheid, deid”
He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again. The man then reads “Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale”
Lashings
A plane was shot down over Iraq and Saddam Hussain captured a Scotsman,an Englishman and an Australian. Saddam says “I’m not as cruel as George Bush says I am You will be given 50 lashes each but you can have whatever you want on your back”
The Australian goes first and asks for the finest Kangaroo hide there is to cover his back. This is granted and he receives the kangaroo hide before he receives 50 lashes. His back is all torn and bleeding but he survives.
The Englishman says “I will take it as it comes I will have nothing on my back and will be proud to bear the scars” he shouts defiantly”Stiff upper lip you know eh what” His wish is granted and he receives his 50 lashes, his back torn and bleeding, his ribs fractured and protruding, a terrible mess to behold.
“Now Jock It’s your turn you have the same choice as the other two what would you like on your back” says Saddam.
Jock replies quickly and without hesitation “I’ll have the Englishman”
Hiding from the Police
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all go into a barn and hide in different, empty potatoes sacks because they’re wanted by the police. A cop comes in and pokes the first bag with the redhead and she says, “MEOW!” He pokes the second bag with the brunette and she says, “WOOF!” He pokes the third bag with the blonde and she says, “POTATOES!”
More OTF Goodness
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